The "Waterfall" in All of Us

I always saw myself as the strong type of girl.

It feels strange...

Calling myself a girl when I'm 20.

Calling myself a women will be stranger.

When i was little i always wanted to be a boy.

And growing up with two brothers just made me jealous of them.

So i was a tomboy until somewhere around primary school.

I thought to myself that,

If i ever fall down and scrap my knee i would not cry.

Get on my school bus and wipe the blood off. 

And i did.

If i ever get lost i would not cry. *If I'm in a familiar place*

Remember my way back home or where i originally came from.

And i did.

If i ever feel sad i would not cry.

Don't let anyone see you cry, not even to family.

And i did.

If i ever watch a tragic movie i would not cry...

Well that worked until i watched "One Liter of Tears" when i was 15.

My tear glands were over flowing like a monsoon rain.

I blame puberty on that.

I guess from that moment on, activating my tear glands became very easy.

If i watch a show with really sad background songs, tears.

If i watch a show with no sounds but sad scenes, tears.

If i see someone crying, i feel bad and, tears.

If i get scared and don't know what to do, tears.

If i get very angry about something, tears.

I guess females can't help it.

We're just wired this way.

To be all emotional when it gets too much.

I learned to change the subject whenever i feel the topic's getting too personal.

Jokes are the first thing that comes to mind.

If that doesn't work then i think of a lie to cover up the sad stuffs and make it seem alright.

If even lies doesn't work then running away is my last resort before the tears arrive in full wave.

**********

I feel so exposed now...

But once in awhile i like to type out these kind of stuffs.

I might have repeated what i said in a few dozen blogs ago.

Sometimes i like to think that i have my own personal therapy session in my head.

One mind debating on what was right and wrong, should or shouldn't, could or couldn't, would or wouldn't.

 I just like to keep personal stuffs very much to myself.